I am Just A Gazer

I am just a gazer,

A starer,

An astrologer.

A searcher of five second bliss.

It is the felicity of seeing you,

That keeps my breathing in ecstasy persistent.

Not a day that you complete,

But my entire life until the reminiscence of you fades slowly.
My gapes were private,

When you catch me, it means eternity.

When yours were seize,

I am melted totally.

I am nothing but a stargazer you try to dispense with.

But you are heaven to me and I’ll explore you through the constellations.

You shrug me off intentionally,

I know, never will I be apart of your verve.

I am not pleading for anything,

All I want was only your attendance.

I am not dreaming of love,

What I am asking is only your cognizance

You are not just a star,

You’re more than a heavenly body.

I can see you through my lenses,

I know you just pretend you don’t notice.

And I’ll just be here,

In the silence of your flickers.

I’ll be nothing more than a proselyte,

Of my undying admiration to your light….

today senti

TODAY, I WENT HOME SENTIMENTAL

Today is another special day for me. Its just today that I realized my life has really changed a lot. My family, a.k.a. my SSC high school classmates let me realized this all. I learned to appreciate them more. Yes, they are my lifeline, but just today that I appreciated them clearer. We had a great night yesterday; we watch a last show movie, drink, went to the bar, had a sleepover (as usual) and talked and talked and laughed and talked and took a 1 hour sleep. We went to the coffee shop to have nice sip in a cup with the sweetest reminiscence and sentimental talks that made my cappuccino tasted better. Our lives really change. We don’t usually do this before. Our bonding sessions back in our teeny days were just barrio fiestas, laughs in the town’s park and chit-chat in one of our houses. Simple days, simple lives, shallow happiness. But now, things changed, our ways or habits are now different. Then after a sip of her ice coffee, Shayne started it all, she said, our bonding compared to other groups is different. We are more solid compared to other batches of SSC’s. I nodded.Then I just realized how special they really are, not because we are Special Science Class but because they are indeed special in there own unique way. I wont forget there smiles, there happiness, the comfort of being with them, the shared moments, the trust, the empathy, the unconditional love, the sense of great friendship and a one big united family. They are so precious that I am learning to sacrifice for them, to defend them and to fight for them. And when time comes that I have to forget about them, it will be the hardest part of my journey. If fate doesn’t allow a forever in our relationship, it will be my most tormenting. But I know one day, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be glad if they will remember me as the Martin who is bubbly, carefree, jolly, wacky and cracked. I’ll be okay if they will live their lives, slowly, forgetting someone named Martz. Maybe few more days, few more months or years it will come about. But all I am just pleading is put few more days of extension because it is too painful. But remember, things are happening because I don’t want to hurt you guys, I don’t want to see you in agony because of me. I’m posting this because maybe one day (but please never), it will occur, you will know how special and dearest you are to me. A part of my life is designed to touch yours. I love you guys and I hope to see you more, to see tomorrow, the next day, the day after the next, in succeeding weeks, months and years. I want to see you all forever. But if not, I want to see you all happy and contented with your lives. Go on… life goes on…
I will always be here for you guys without asking for anything in return. I guess that’s my fate, to meet you all dearest bros and sis and take a role in your life, to make you happy and appreciate how wonderful life is. And I am greatly proud about that. Sorry for my shortcomings…
I love you all!

26 was the Saddest

25th was Christmas day, ofcourse, the happiest for our family... especially cousins from far flung places went to visit and spend their christmas here. But it was after the day of laughs and nausea due to excessive alcohol intake that I really felt sad. Bien, my ever best company will be joining his Mom to cebu. He is just a kid, i know. But that kid who in his innocence touched the lives of many will be going away is just a headline story for me. He is a great deal for me. In his ignorance, I shared the best company ever. Most of mornings that i have the mood for biking, I fetch him from our grandma's place and together we explore the beauty of carefree life. There, in those place which he used to see the Mah (cow) and the Meehh (goat), I shared with him my deepest thoughts, the things nobody knew.. He is the depository outlet for me. he is my only reliable friend who listens without judgments, without discriminations. He is just a sweet four-year-old boy who used to light my dark world. He is my angel. Now, he left. I can't show my real emotions infront of him. i smiled but my heart is deeply wounded by his departure. I waved my last bye-bye...I kissed him for the last time...I slap his face that I will forever miss... I had a last look of this cudly little boy who made my days livlier... Bye-bye Bien!!! Hope you will never forget Tin-tin who love you so much... Tears fell but still invincible...

THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN

I came across a point in my life that I decided to change the ways its done... I am not perfect nor that wise... I am more of a stupid guy doing the dumbest decision ever... but now, things changed. due to the circumstances I had encountered, those streessful nights that made me sleepless, to the schizophrenia no one knew,I made a great deal with the Master... I will change my life... this will be the start of something better... hope for forgiveness... I knew my mistakes... things will never be the same again.

C

GOD..

please...

be with me...

don't leave me..

& give me another chance..

EMO: TOO SCARED TO BE ONE OF THEM

You’ve seen them dominating the school with those black eyeliners and an all-black fashion statement. At first, I am one of those “suya” to this group of individuals, which according to what my instinct can perceive- are trying to be somebody else. But it was before I read some articles and watching a TV program which tackled the growing subculture in the country. Then I was alarmed by some statements and examples of music they were referring to. First, EMO was cradled from the word Emotional- what a goose bump (my friends were laughing as I shared this). Yeah, I’m quite emotional and sensitive but I’m no Emo. And the second thing petrified me the most- the bands that I’m dying for their music’s are actually Emos. Oh my good damned goodness, never did I knew (even quite obvious) that My Chemical Romance- my ever intoxicating music idols, with music that speaks of me, with poetry that crashes my eardrums, are actually Gods of Emo’s?! The soullah good Chicosci are one of them, my new favorite Typcast is a local cult. Whaaaatt?!! I wanna wail louder! The Fall Out Boy, the Paramore, The Red Jumpsuit?!
Pucha, I was questioning myself for few days: Am I one of them?! Then my emotional intelligence came into existence just after typing the last sentence: Nope, I am not. It doesn’t mean that few of these descriptions speak of me then I am officially enrolled in this subculture. Yeah, I love the bands, I am quite inferior- but not introvert, my powerful voice pa man lang Diyos ko, I can make friends with anybody (very extrovert at that), self-injury (I still believe it’s nonsense graded A), and obviously the fashion statement- I’ll get crucified by my mom seeing me in black eyeliners and nailpolish noh! But my emotional intelligence is really a Martin by heart and soul: a great leg-pulling teaser! I am bantered by my own kagaguhan: hala, Emo ka nah! Sagay ka dira upod kay Jen kag Shella- mabakal ka man Loafers na Skull o Chucks noh?! Wahaha!!! Palalantaw ka pa banda! You are artistic, self-made ang mga fashoion katangadalan mu. Yahoo!!! Emo! Emo! Emo! Si Martin- emo! Si martin- emah! Wahaha! What-a-self! Thanks ha?!
But now, I guess there’s nothing wrong enjoying them, as long as you live your life healthier and wiser, what’s wrong?! I’ll still patronized the music, enjoying the company and now understand the guys registered to be one. All we have to do is to live our life in our own unique way. Be yourself- it’s less complicated complicated!

artcle pharma

ANG ALAMAT NG GUAVA JAM
Martuz Reklamadoruz

Ilang beses na ba tayo nalinawan patungkol sa mga di-maiintindihang bagay-bagay sa University? Ilang ulit ka na bang nagalit sa di mabigyang aksyong problema dito sapagkat sa kaklase mo lang ibinubulalas ang lahat ng reklamo mo? Ilang beses ka na bang pumasok sa “office” para i-exercise ang sinasabing student’s rights mo? Ilang beses ka na bang lumuha dahil hindi mo magamit ang comfort room kahit ihing-ihi ka na?
Hindi ako writer at lalong wala akong kakayahang makipagdebate sa kung ano ang tama sa kalawakan ng planetang Journalism. Naisip ko lang na ano kaya ang pakiramdam kung inilimbag ang isang article sa departmental paper na ang author ay…AKO? At ito ang theme ng debut article ko (kung makapasa sa mapanuring staff ng departmental paper): ang ireklamo ang pwedeng ireklamo, ang hingan ng linaw ang lahat ng ng hindi malinaw at itanong ang posibleng katanungan sa final exam sa Moral Theology. At dito ko sisimulan ang kapahamakan ko:

a) Enrolment Era- isa tayo sa may pinakamababang population dito sa school, pero bakit tuwing enrolment ang tagal ng proseso? Aabutin ka pa ng ilang Jurassic years sa pagpila sa Appraisal. Makacarbon-dating na ang Enrolment Form mo sa tagal ng pila sa Encoding. At idagdag mo pa ang mala-registration sa COMELEC na payments sa Admin at ghost hunting sa adviser para sa clearance.
Result: Varicose veins formation with 20 new information galing sa correspondent ng Tsismis101 na katabi mo sa pila.

b) Historical Artifacts: Toilet Bowls- Since sa UH hanggang sa Alumni, highest grossing na siguro kung may presyo lang ang bawat reklamo sa nadudugyot na CR. Kung hindi nagka-lunar eclipse, hindi sana nalinis ang mga toilet bowls na possible nang gawing source ng primary culture ng mga mikrobyo. Tears of joy ang naramdaman namin nang madiskubreng nalinis na ang mga CR. Wala na ang lumulutang na chewing gum na nabatok sa manilaw-nilaw na karagatan na naging saksi sa pambababoy sa sagradong palikuran. Wala na rin ang mga mucous of different varieties na disenteng nakadikit sa dehydrated na lavatory. Ngunit tulad ng lunar eclipse, lumilipas lang ito. Maghintay nalang tayo ng leap year baka permanente ng magka-supply ng tubig.

c) Mga hindi Ma-gets na Minor Subjects- ano ba ang kinalaman ng ibang minor-subjects sa kurso natin? Bakit merong Algebra na dapat ipasa? Para ma-equate natin gamit ang perfect square trinomial kung ilan ang normal (x)pus cells meron sa (-2y)urine sample kung ang pasyente ay nangangalapa sa formula na x2+2xy+y2=DRP at retake during summer? Bakit may Logic pa? siguro para maintindihan natin na isang unsound statement ang may mga premises na:
Theology is a difficult subject.
Major subjects are difficult.
Therefore, Theology is a major subject.-bilang conclusion.
At bakit may Philosophy of Man pa na nakakanosebleed sa pagbasa ng Becoming a Human Person? Hindi dahil natatamaan ang mga asal hayop, kung hindi, dahil kasing liit ng bibliya ang font size at kasing kapal ng El Filibusterismo ang dapat matapos. Ang masama pa, natapos mo man basahin ang buong libro, isang excerpt lang mula sa libro ni Bob Ong ang tangi mong naintindihan at nakarelate ka bilang tunay na Human Person.

Kung tutuusin, mahigit isang libong piso ang ginagastos natin sa bawat subjects na ito- katumbas na ito ng ilang kilong parte ng katawan ni Esmeralda ( ang kaawa-awang baboy) na sampu ng kaniyang kauri ay kinakatay tuwing enrolment. Sumalangit nawa ang kanilang kaluluwa.

d) Kalawang Blues- isa sa pinakahighlight ng mga laboratory classes ay ang Returning of Apparatus. Bakit? Dito mo aktwal na maiintindihan ang nagaganap na chemical change sa nangangalawang na iron stand. Pagkatapos ng isang semester na pangangalapa sa laboratory, isang elimination round ang magaganap. Haharap sa iyo ang mapanuring mga mata ng staffs sa stock room sa paghuhukom kung pasok o hindi ang mga apparatus niyo. Mabibigyan mo na ng hustisya ang motto na “try and try until you succeed” habang hirap ka sa pagkuskos ng petroleum jelly sabay calculate kung kulang ba ang binayad mong Laboratory fee noong enrolment para parusahan ka ng ganito.

e) Ventilation, ano pa ba ang bago dito?- naaapreciate ko na ang silbi ng photocopied handouts sa tuwing tag-init. Walang electric fan sa Alumni at sa Aguirre meron nga, pero mas malakas pa ang hininga ko kaysa buga ng hangin ng asthmatic na ceiling fan doon. Solar eclipse siguro ang dapat nating hintayin para magkaroon na ng totoong electric fan na nagbubuga ng totoong hangin dahil totoong nakakainsulto ito sa may mga bitbit na guava jam sa klase.

f) USA Gym- isang ‘dream come true’ na siguro maituturing kung nag P.E. tayo sa loob ng Gym, ano? Pagpasok mo pa lang, dinig mo na ang sabi ng kaklase mo na “Wow Pare, hanep sa kintab ng sahig. Uy grabe, transparent ang ring. Digital pa ang board!” Maluha-luha mong iso-shoot ang bola at mangiyak-ngiyak mong gagawin ang first free-throw mo. At bigla ka nalang magigising sa isang panaginip na kaylan may mananatiling reklamo ng bawat Andres Bonifacio. Bakit hindi tayo pwedeng gumamit ng mga facility na kung tutuusin galing sa bulsa natin ang ginastos sa mga bagong benches, pintura, flooring at anti-anay treatment. Ang masaklap pa, bakit ang iba nagbabayad para makagamit ng gym, e tayo naman ang mga estudyante dito ha? Mamumulaklak muna ang kawayan bago tayo di na mapagkakaitan ng mga bagay na tunay naman talagang para sa atin.

Ilan lang ito sa napa-exaggerate na problemang naging pulutan na sa bawat usapin. Hindi pa natin napag-usapan ang tungkol sa sa pasok kahit na may baha, sa pre-judging round sa harap ng mga guards para malaman kung in or out ang Havianas mo, sa gabundok na requirements na hindi na kakasya sa class record, at kung bakit naging garapata ang metaphor para kay Teri Hatcher. Marahil may mga hindi pabor o may mga batikos na maaaring ibato sa sulating ito. Pero mas mahalagang pagtuunan ng pansin ang mga detalyeng totoo ba o hindi, pansinin ba o dedma, natamaan ka o wala at kung ikaw ba ang nangangamoy guava jam para hindi na humantong sa pagpupunit ng sedula ng mga nagpupunyaging kapatiran ng KKK (Kataastaasan Kagalanggalangan Kapilyuhan ng mga Anak ni Bob Marley).

Paalaala: ang lahat ng nakasulat bago ang salitang ‘Paalaala’ ay walang katotohanan, pawang tsismis lamang. Ang sumulat ay hindi kailangang ipatawag at patawan ng mahabahabang homily sa Guidance Office. Maraming salamat.

redirecting my life

Do you think I need redirection with my life? I'm growing older and as time move constantly, I constantly commiting mistakes. Why am I such a stupid brat? when will I make a good dicision?

now i'm scared

Should i keep this ? should i hide this? the answer is YES... I've been trusting this site without considering who may be able to catch a glimpse on what I am writing on... Scared maybe... Scared that anything I am writing here will be exposed to the public and may cause my biggest humiliation ever... hope everything will be fine... now I'll do my best to keep everything into proper places...to make sure my skeletons will always be intact in my closet...

diary

SEM-BREAK BLUES

Sem-break... it'z a time for all of us to enjoy this short but worthwhile BREAK... For two weeks or so, I'm making use of all the time available to have a BREAK... So thankful that my friendster account was not sabotage after the 'bug-down' thing a few days ago... I enjoyed biking with my cutie nephew and ihado- BIEN.... We roam around the town proper with my ever trusted and reliable Mountain Bicycle... I saw Jose just this morning and Tata too, with just little connections or hit... I was inspired by KC Concepcion's t.v. special about her 4-year stay in Paris... Someday, I can do that too... I will have an adventure to build up myself for the better... I hope it'll happen.. miss my friends...

diary

i don't know what to write... but let's just say something didn't work out right today... my... quite unsatisfied for what had happened. i just wait for a single beep from my phone for the entire day but I haven't recieved any... last day of meeting will be th most "sayang" opportunity I will have... hope for the last time it will happen...

i can't add it up... as if it is something I am scared to do... but time comes that i will try... i promise...

kita ko na friendster ni BRYAN... YAHOO... SO FANTHASTIC... WAHAHA...

GFSHH

LA LANG... YESTERDAY, NAMIESTA KMI KINA SARAH UPOD SI STAR KAG YOUNGER SISTER YA...

TAPUS KADTO KAMI KINA KALAI UPOD KO SI SHAYNE KAG DAVE..

KAG NAGBAGYO..

TAPUS...

theo fevah...

a start of something new?

such a good day... makin' the first move always works... J.A. and I had a good conversation just aawhile ago... in our theo class, J.A. arrived late (without the handouts ofcourse)... with that I sahared my handout to that 'crazy over u'... we talked and we walked together... we talked and talked and heared the angelus but to know use, we still walked and talked and talked, tapped my butt to go ahead of me to the KAWILIHAN office and waved my bye... and smiled... and adrenalin rush... and went back to school and tattletale the entire things to mah group!!!

hay, lesson learned: don't wait, do the move!!!


Yahoo!!!

I GAMBLE...again

rain rainy days... there is nothing to do.... but there is something that keeps me staring blanky... is this real love? I mean is it that sincere? or it is just another pretentious relationship that I am trying to fit in myself.... if it is real or not, onethings for sure: I am gambling again for another "just try" type of relationship... I always hope in every time that it is for real... this is not different... all gambles are sin... I know I am stupid...and as if I cant stand it but it is in me...

wish me luck....

pic pmt

PMT

home of the achievers

jd burtdee

mark this day...

hay, life... many changes happened in just few weeks of enjoying my life in this roller coaster excitement... it started with the Tilipunan event where I enjoyed my stay in Alimodian with my NFF's (newly found friends)... I enjoyed the trip... the fact thet I got a chance to meet this wonderful people in our department and few special one's from the HRM... text mates na kami...

next stop was the Recollection of our section attended by the former sections A and B which is know known as the MedTech2 Fused.... Issues were cleared from both parties, conflicts were solved, impressions were understood and few special attentions were discovered and developed... this is totally a start of something new...

due to this recollection, few more revelations sprouted.... the Roj-Michael conflict which gave me the title of Pontius Pilate (the hugas kamay guy)... and few sessions were held... last Friday- the start... its because of this issue, a loviedubb tandem had been possible...in the presence of BUTTERCUP and PRESIDENT... Hay, I was the chaperon the next day.... quite a shocking news not yet ready to be revealed... (wahaha... supah glad, I was one of the first to know and witness)...

but this day is the more special one... christine sudario, mary rose and I had a not so gurl thing talk in the Pilota Court with the passing "scorable" few as an entertainment.... JD passed our way and I told Christine na crush ko na siya... Christine pala and JD are friends, so the gaga called the attention of cutie... she then told me that its his birthday... 2 days before mine... wow... then, she told me na iTreat daw siya for lunch... few laughs and talks and jokes and I headed my way to my theo class in Pharma3A.... I got a chance to have a talk with Joeart and yahoo....seems like we are now real friends... haha...I went to Robinsons then and to my surprise, as I was buying my chicken ala king waffle- that mahaderang Christine approached me and together with my JD... wow... the best part was... I greeted him Happy Birthday!!!! and cutie JD smiled back... hay what a fantastic day... And as I am typing this posting, michael txted me to join them in Jeplocs with Buttercup and President which he met in Jollibee SM Delgado... wow...
But my JD and my JoeArt... this is a day truly to be marked...

PAMAMAALAM

Ika-siyam ng Julyo, 5:24 ng hapon. Binubulag parin ako ng mga pagkakatandang igunita ang mga sandaling yaon. Ang lamig ng hanging nagpapahina sa aking mga tuhod,ang malamyang ingay ng mga nagdadaanang trisikel at ang dalampasigan ng malawak na kankungan na kung saan nang araw ding yon, ang pinakahuling paghaharap namin ay nangyari.
Masakit sa akin ang sabihin sa kanya na iyon na ang huli naming pagkikita. Ngunit sa paghulma ng ngiti sa kanyang mga labi at mga matang nagsasabing, "masaya ako sa iyong pagkalaya.", madali kong nailabas ang lahat ng pasakit, kasabay ng pagbuga sa hanging malalim kong hininga. Natanggap niya kaagad bago ko man sabihin. Sa mahigit sa isang dekada naming magkaramay, bakit naging ganoon lang kadali sa kanya ang lahat? Hindi ko naman siya masisisi, hindi iyon masayang pagsasama.
Siya kasi ang aking takbuhan sa tuwing ako'y nasasaktan at kailangan ko ng karamay. Gagamutin niya ang aking damdamin sa isang sulok ng aming bodega. Kasama ng mga aparador, sirang antigong kama at mga gusgusing sapatos, pinapakinggan niya ang pagbubulalas ko ng kung hindi inis at galit ay ang mga tangkang paghihiganti. Sasabihin niyang kakalimutan ko nalang ang lahat sabay pagpiga sa akin ng kanyang mga yakap na pilit kong dinarama ngunit lamig ang siyang humahaplos sa aking katawan.
Siya kasi ang tagasalo ng mga luha sa aking mga mata sa tuwing maglalabas ako ng mga nakakahilo at makasariling sentimiento. Magbibigay siya ng mga payong nagpapagaan sa aking buong katawan, kasabay ng paghaplos ng kanyang mga palad at pagpahid ng kanyang mga hinlalaki sa kaawa-awa kong mukha.
Siya kasi ang nag-iisa kong karamay, kaibigan at pamilya. Naulila man ako ng mundo, naroon siya para saluin ako. Ang pagmamahal niya ay kasing init ng araw, ngunit ang kanyang mga yakap ay kasing lamig ng gabi. Ang aming puso'y pinag-isa ng pang-aapi at pasakit ng mundong makasarili.
Subalit, nakaraan na iyon. Nagbago na ang lahat. Namulat na ako sa mapagmahal na daigdig, sa tunay na buhay. Nagpupunyagi na ang aking puso sa pagmamahal na aking tinatamasa.
Kasabay ng paglubog ng araw sa dulo ng dalampasigang kangkungan, nagpaalam na ako sa kanya. Pilit ko siyang tinatanaw sa nasasalaming tubig, ngunit habang tumatagal, ang repleksiyon niya'y lumalaho, kasabay ng paglitaw ng sarili kong imahe.
Ngayon, alaala nalang sa malalim naming pinagsamahan ang paminsan-minsa'y bibisita sa aking gunitain. Kahit siya at ako ay iisa, siya ay naglaho na at di na babalik pa.