Lola Rene

I've reached this point that I feel so guilty. Guilty because Lola Rene is now weak and I got no chance of redeeming my self. I hated her for unknown reasons, I fought back when she had to justify something and every time I see her, I got irritated. Now, I feel bad, seeing her in the hospital bed helpless. God, please give me a chance to thank her for her kindness, patience and unmeasurable understanding. Please give me a chance to redeem myself. Thank you dear Father...

A TIME TO FIGHT BACK

Sometimes, I'm thinking of myself as a loser, weak and has no guts to stand up for himself. Well, I guess the saying "If you want to look big, join the giants" is quite real. Now I am taller than most of my foes. They hate me, I hate them too. This is just a fair way of dealing with life's bitches... hate me, I will hate you more. Beware of the plastics and learn to fight back! go Boi!!!!

THE NEXT WRITER

As I was browsing through the pages of a literary folio, I told myself: “I should write”. I should learn how to write to be exact. I’m not a writer and grammar makes my knees numb. But I will dare myself to write because this is one fascinating form of self expression. So before you continue reading the next few lines, please EXCUSE MY ENGLISH (grammar, diction and hopefully not spelling), anyways let’s just consider this as my personal style.
Since my elementary days, we are trained to write. We furnished the skills during high school with the electives on Creative Writing, Journalism, Technical Writing, Research and Literature. Now, the question is: “What happened?” The answer? Still I do not know. Since then, I really want to write…in English. But skills discouraged me to do so. While most of my classmates scribble on higher English, I remained in simple inartistic laymen’s diction. Oh crap. Wish I could write as good as those in the school paper.
I really want to write. But I do not know or what to write. But still I will write. I will not give up. I will be the best writer. I’ll be writing for Reader’s Digest and contribute on Chicken Soup in the future. But for now, I will just write for myself, improve my skills and dream more. Hey, life without a mission is not life at all.

-JOHN MARTIN DAMASCO
Writer…Future Writer

NOW THAT I’M 20

Yep, you heard it right. I’m a kid no more. Hehe. Birthdays were indeed worth remembering. Mine was just a plain simple celebration with my family and my cousins. I had a date with my ever bestfriend, my dearest cousin Twinkle the next day. Sort of post birthday celebration for me and a pre-celebration of her birthday, which is on the 21st. Hay, hopefully, as I enter the world of the 20’s I may be able to fulfil the expectations of being a 20 year old.

Now that I am 20:

I promise myself to be more mature,

That I may be able to make wise, if not good decisions,

I will strive to be good in my daily venture.

I wish that I can make it,

That I can be assertive in everything I do.

I will be positive,

And successful,

At the same time happy.

DIARY OF THE INSECURE

This past few days are hard for me (all the days actually is hard for me though). My last blog entry was about my jealousies and I guess there is no difference with what I am posting right now.

Yesterday:
St. Augustine’s Feast Day, also was the Acquaintance Day. We do have this sort of contests and playful stuffs going on around. There’s the dating game, the Jail Booth, the Handcuff-sort-of Booth and lot’s of other stuffs. I was in charged with the MTV thing which I really worked hard on and is actually a contest entry of our class. We are really expecting to win an award for that but sad to say we landed on the 3rd place, much even worse we were not declared as the 3rd placer. It was already late when we were told that there was a kind of slip that happened. And wow, should I be happy about that? In a way, of course I should be. God has beautiful way of sending instant wish-grants. But the sad part is that, it was not announced on stage, we haven’t cheered and shout so loud for our victory. We were just told after the program, amazing, isn’t it? The thing is that I worked hard for that, my classmates appreciated my effort. They cared and they supported that thing.

But much worse is that Shella, my closest friend think that the video sucks, she has lots of commentaries about it, it should be something like this, should not be like that and few more of those similar criticisms. We are friends, and she should be the very first to support me, to feel happy about my hardwork, to appreciate my effort. But did she care? Oh well, that’s life and that’s her. Shella, sometimes is so…Shella. As a friend I must accept her. But she must learn to be a true friend herself.

Well sometimes, I was thinking that hopefully I’m a different guy (here goes my insecurities again). But still I’m fighting over it. Hey, God is good and he has loads of wonderful stuffs for me.

Speaking of God’s goodness, he is so instant in granting my wishes. We won 3rd place in that not-so-good-experience kind of contest and last night I texted the least expected person I can ever deal with: Sir Andrew of Ventus… Haha, we are textmates now or sort of near to that… Anyways, he is so nice to say yes to my proposal (as a fan) of sending him messages once in a while… Love you God!!!! You are so great!

Hay anyways, last night, I partied with my friends and friend in the state of regaining, we got drunk and we ate at a Korean Resto- Kook… hehe… I miss my friends, I miss having real and true friends… I miss having cool and funny and crazy friends… I miss them all.

But there is another thing that I want to confess, I pity Julius. I pity him for choosing not to talk to me. Now, a lot of people ignore him (not something to feel flattered on). And he is always alone. I was once his friend, who tried to changed him, who was helping him out but things altered. Now he is somewhat lost, kind of hated... He is misunderstood. I hope things will be better for him…and for me. Well that is all… Hoping my next entry will be something positive…

By the way, my Mom was admitted at the hospital for her TAHBSU Operation. She is better now and expecting to be discharged tomorrow. Thanks God!

diary

life isn't really fair... I tried to make it better, but it gone worse... Still I know that all of this damn stuffs are just tests that I need to pass. I flunked once, never will it happen again... Feel so down right now... School's a piece of shit... Teacher's hate me... dunno why... I tried my best to redeem myself, but still to no avail... When will they be able to find out that I'm okay! that I'm good, that I can do better.. I want to wet my pillows sometimes, but good thing I can manage my emotions better now. Another dilemma, my former friends are stabbing me at my back... Yeah, hate those people who have the guts to betray there friends... I am avoiding those people who have the tendency to be bitches when you're not around.... But my biggest frustration is "Bebe" is ignoring me now... wrong tactics, wrong attacks, wrong strategies... hate it... feelin' bad about it... But life will always be this way... I will always be the Martin who is alone, pretentious and eager in searching for true happiness. Thanks to those who are giving me the air to breathe when I am suffocated with loneliness...


I miss my life... I miss myself.... I miss happiness...

things I should fuckingly be happy about

yeah... things that made me feel great:

I flunked my exams for the first time- another record breaking moment

teachers hate me for being so irresistibly cute

I have a very high IQ, so high that I could hardly understand my lessons

I engaged myself to a pot session inside the school...pot session of muriatic acid, zonrox and Lysol all at the same time....

mumu... huhuhu... la lang... gapun nagkadto kami sa SM with Clarrise, Troy, Julius kag Shella.... Hahha... naglibre si Ian Pizza Hut... Si Menvie nakita ko naman after pila ka months... Miss mah friends... hekhek......



Watch ang iban Urbandub concert, la ko ya kaupod... huhu... pro it's okay...




Today, school aku... I thought my cl;ass pero close ang laboratory... nag net nalang kami... wahaha..

IT REALLY WORKS

Who would have thought I will make it to Ventus. It was a tough training and I made it. Before, I was really hopeless. I was thinking I will never make it. But now everything is in order. It coordinates to what I really want. First, I have an AM job that I really wanted. I am teaching young individuals in Elementary to read. It must not bring conflict to my PM job. Hey, what a good fate. During re-shifting, I remain to my PM schedule. What a wow! I enjoyed it. Last night, when Ronn texted me that I got the highest number of messages transcribed (my CSR job), I checked it on the bulletin board and it was really posted there! Wow! I was one of the lowest pointers during the training but hey, I made it! Wow again for that!!! And tomorrow, I’ll be receiving my first salary… Oooohhh… That’s a bigger WOW!!!! I am so lucky!!! NO, I have the best fate!!! Thanks to God for that!!! I am so happy. I know that I will make it to the QA (Quality Assurance-sort of evaluation). I will make it. I know that. Now, Martin is the luckiest guy alive!!! He is so good now. I love myself. Thanks for everything. Thanks for showing me the true meaning of living! I am sooo happy!!!! I will make sure that I am doing my best in everything. Watch out for the new Me. It’s the new Martin who is existing right now. Bonus news: I got admirers!!! Wahahaha… Who would have thought that I will have vocal admirers???? Oh, what a life!!! I’m so flattered. …

MY WISH LIST

1. I earn an unexpected salary of P15,000
2. I own a PSP
3. I play with my Game Boy
4. I listen to my Ipod Touch
5. I have an oozing Beautiful Face
6. I have a mouth-watering Sexy Body
7. Happiness
8. I have a perfect Relationship
9. I am sooo HEALTHY.
10. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.
11. I AM LOVED
12. I am a MILLIONARE
13. I OWN A MANSION
14. IT’S A PALACE WITH A VINEYARD
15. I’M A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN
16. I TOUCHED THE LIVES OF MANY
17. I AM HAPPY
18. GOD LOVES ME.
19. PEOPLE CARED FOR ME
20. I AM POPULAR
21. I HAVE WRITTEN A BESTSELLER BOOK WORLDWIDE
22. I AM AN ACTOR
22. THE PHILLIPINNES IS ONE OF THE RICHEST COUNTRY
23. EVERYBODY IS LIVING ON ABUNDANCE
24. I AM FREE
25. MY FAMILY IS IN GOOD CONDITION
26. I HAVE A PEACEFUL AND SATISFYING LIFE.
27. I CLIMB MOUNTAINS.
28. I KNOW A LOT OF SPORTS.
29. I AM DREAMING FOR MORE.
30. EVERYTHING IS REAL.

THE NEW DAY HAS FINALLY COME

The darkest part of the day is just right before the dawn. Now my dawn has finally come. I didn’t realize that I will change my life in an instant after playing the pirated DVD I borrowed from Elanie. Who would have thought that the guy who is so inferior, crazy and lonely has changed his life just after watching this certain docu film. I am happier now. And I am so glad that the Universe conspires with me. Now, everything is in proper order. I don’t wet my pillows with tears anymore. I became aware of the true meaning of living. Life is indeed full of mysteries. I am so glad that I discovered one. And who would have thought it is because of a pirated DVD? Know the Law of Attraction? Kim has it before me. He asked me before about the book “The Secret”. Of course I am aware that the book exists but I didn’t realize that I was almost there. I haven’t read that book but I had watched the film. Now I am happier. I am living the life that I was always pleading to God. I am happier now. I am destined to be happy, to look for happiness, to share it and to be admired because of it. I had a part-time job that I really wanted, I appreciate the best family that I am having, I am loved by the people around me, I am lucky with everything. No, it’s not luck, its fate. Now, people would come to me because they are likening me, not because they need me. I can manage my health better this time despite the hectic schedules. I appreciate everything. I give gratitude to the things that I owe to God. I love myself now. No more self-pity, no more grudges, no more loneliness and no more fears. I am happy, I am glad, I am the best and I am beautiful. Ho w about you? Do you remember the last time you told that to yourself? Do you still recall the times that you were so happy? Do you wish that life would be better? Think again. The answer is just in your heart. The mind conceives it, your body will achieve it. Be attractive. Feel attractive. Be happy. It is just the state of mind; the state of mind which is larger and wider than you think. Remember the last few lines of Desiderata? You are the Child of the Universe. No less than the trees and the stars. You have the right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt that the Universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God. Whatever you conceive him to be; And whatever your labors and aspirations in this changing fortunes of time. Keep peace within your soul. With all the sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.See for yourself my friends. Learn to unfold the deepest secret within you. Rejoice and be happy with God! Feel good with yourself!

a wrong way of living

CORRECT WHAT'S BEEN DONE WRONG

the law of attraction's style

quite stupid right?!

I've wasted my time pitying my self for less than a year. Confessing my life is so miserable, feeling empty, dumb and damn lonely?! Funny iosn't it? In the first place, I was the one who make this things up... I'm the one who makes my own life. Starting that very point that I learned about "The Secret", I will make my life the most beautiful one, ever. I am the masterpiece of my one life. The Michaelangelo who carves the best sculptur ever: sculpting my own story. Martin- feel good about yourself and the Universe shall conspire on you. Be good! Be happy! Show gratitude! Be glad for you are the Martin. You are special, unique and beautiful!!! Live your life powerful. You are attractive!!!! I love you!!!! I'm happy to be you!!!

It's Complicated

IT'S COMPLICATED

Life is complicated, isn't it?! I manage to stop the drama but I often ending up in wet pillow. It seems life is made for me to suffer. I always feel so empty. I am always lonely. Maybe, nobody new my real deal with life. I don't have a confidant and I always stay mute when it comes to personal problems. When will be the time that I can be transparent about myself? When will I show the real feelings I am having and stop pretending to be happy in the middle of great depression I am feeling? Sometimes, I want to change my whole self. Go climb the mountain and enjoy the simpliest and contented living if possible. I cried my nights alone. I am always alone, despite the tons of friends I have. Time can tell when will I be happy once more. And I know God has beautiful plans for me in the future. Hope that time is already near...

diary entry

I'm lonely... Yeah right., I am always lonely... what's new with that?! I feel so bad and jealous to0 everyone around me... why?! Maybe I am just not good when it comes to contentment... my inferiority complex sucks me off like hell.... I do have lots and lots of worries... zits are the proof to that... lately, I attempted to end my life... a piece of shit for that... I felt so bad, frustrated and insecured... why I am lonely? I don't know... maybe for the fact that I am alone despite I have tons of friends... or it's because of the number that I became desperate of looking for the best?!

speaking of friends, just an hour ago, I was thinking, what if my friends find out that their friend is a huge shit? a dirtiest sluttish fucker?! a piece of big hoar?! things will change. definetely....


I'm tired of this kind of life... hope I will see changes going on...



meanwhile,

*Jem called me tuesday morning... Cell Bio assignment should be passed 8am that day... she bribed me of a Hershey bar and a hundred bucks to fetch her assignment to school (her body hurts- like mine, during the baseball game a day before.).

*we still practice for the culminating activity... hope it will be a success.

*and we had a meeting for that several times, still lots of probs.. btw, I am the president of this subject... community and public health. culminating will be on march 15 at Asilo....


hope i can write something nice next time...

I am Just A Gazer

I am just a gazer,

A starer,

An astrologer.

A searcher of five second bliss.

It is the felicity of seeing you,

That keeps my breathing in ecstasy persistent.

Not a day that you complete,

But my entire life until the reminiscence of you fades slowly.
My gapes were private,

When you catch me, it means eternity.

When yours were seize,

I am melted totally.

I am nothing but a stargazer you try to dispense with.

But you are heaven to me and I’ll explore you through the constellations.

You shrug me off intentionally,

I know, never will I be apart of your verve.

I am not pleading for anything,

All I want was only your attendance.

I am not dreaming of love,

What I am asking is only your cognizance

You are not just a star,

You’re more than a heavenly body.

I can see you through my lenses,

I know you just pretend you don’t notice.

And I’ll just be here,

In the silence of your flickers.

I’ll be nothing more than a proselyte,

Of my undying admiration to your light….

today senti

TODAY, I WENT HOME SENTIMENTAL

Today is another special day for me. Its just today that I realized my life has really changed a lot. My family, a.k.a. my SSC high school classmates let me realized this all. I learned to appreciate them more. Yes, they are my lifeline, but just today that I appreciated them clearer. We had a great night yesterday; we watch a last show movie, drink, went to the bar, had a sleepover (as usual) and talked and talked and laughed and talked and took a 1 hour sleep. We went to the coffee shop to have nice sip in a cup with the sweetest reminiscence and sentimental talks that made my cappuccino tasted better. Our lives really change. We don’t usually do this before. Our bonding sessions back in our teeny days were just barrio fiestas, laughs in the town’s park and chit-chat in one of our houses. Simple days, simple lives, shallow happiness. But now, things changed, our ways or habits are now different. Then after a sip of her ice coffee, Shayne started it all, she said, our bonding compared to other groups is different. We are more solid compared to other batches of SSC’s. I nodded.Then I just realized how special they really are, not because we are Special Science Class but because they are indeed special in there own unique way. I wont forget there smiles, there happiness, the comfort of being with them, the shared moments, the trust, the empathy, the unconditional love, the sense of great friendship and a one big united family. They are so precious that I am learning to sacrifice for them, to defend them and to fight for them. And when time comes that I have to forget about them, it will be the hardest part of my journey. If fate doesn’t allow a forever in our relationship, it will be my most tormenting. But I know one day, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be glad if they will remember me as the Martin who is bubbly, carefree, jolly, wacky and cracked. I’ll be okay if they will live their lives, slowly, forgetting someone named Martz. Maybe few more days, few more months or years it will come about. But all I am just pleading is put few more days of extension because it is too painful. But remember, things are happening because I don’t want to hurt you guys, I don’t want to see you in agony because of me. I’m posting this because maybe one day (but please never), it will occur, you will know how special and dearest you are to me. A part of my life is designed to touch yours. I love you guys and I hope to see you more, to see tomorrow, the next day, the day after the next, in succeeding weeks, months and years. I want to see you all forever. But if not, I want to see you all happy and contented with your lives. Go on… life goes on…
I will always be here for you guys without asking for anything in return. I guess that’s my fate, to meet you all dearest bros and sis and take a role in your life, to make you happy and appreciate how wonderful life is. And I am greatly proud about that. Sorry for my shortcomings…
I love you all!